Drown
by d o u g h b o y s
Summary: "And I can't take / One more moment of this silence / The loneliness is haunting me ... It comes in waves, I close my eyes, / Hold my breath and let it bury me." [Takes place during the books. Rated M for future chapters.]
1. Hysteria

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, or this would have happened in the books.

**AN: So I decided I wanted to write a non-AU story while working on Rebirth (which I am writing the next chapter to RIGHT NOW) and this is what my mind came up with. This story is inspired the the song "Drown" by Bring Me the Horizon; give it a listen if you'd like to hear what was in my head while coming up with the plot. I'm hoping to continue this as a shorter story than Rebirth will pan out to be. There aren't nearly enough Twilight femslash stories with Esme, so I thought I'd give my own little contribution. Hope you all enjoy.**

I flipped the pencil around between my fingers, willing myself not to break it as the humans around me tried to be subtle with their petty conversations. My fingers nearly trembled with the effort to be gentle as the hushed voices of teen girls battled over their crushes and whether they "liked them back" or not.

I knew I shouldn't be as judgmental as I was, my own romantic life a strange, morbid reflection of their own, but it couldn't be helped. They were young, warm, and naive, their blood coursing through their veins innocently as they waited for their Prince Charmings to sweep them up and start a family—something I'd never have the pleasure of knowing.

I sighed quietly and set the pencil down, drumming my fingers against the desk as my eyes darted to the clock. Just ten more minutes and I could escape for a while. Maybe I would make it all the way to Canada this time. I just really needed to get away, stay away from the place that housed the three things I couldn't stand to be near. I just hoped Alice wouldn't see this in time to assemble the family into a blockade.

* * *

The subtle yet near-constant stench of La Push faded slowly as I ran, the trees changing in type and sparseness signaling my departure from Washington. Once I was over the border I paused for a moment, closing my eyes and letting the fresh air wash over me. It was great to get away, to have my thoughts and hypothetical plans to myself, and these moments felt more and more precious each time I managed to steal away for the night. I scented the air briefly to make sure I wasn't followed before scaling a cliff that looked out over the ocean.

I tried not to let my thoughts drift too far, as I wanted the time to just _be_, but inevitably my thoughts turned back to the troubles at home, the troubles in our little "family" as Carlisle had come to call it.

Carlisle. The name made me cringe slightly, a habit I had picked up recently that was growing more and more difficult to suppress around the rest of our coven. They say his power is incredible control, but I beg to differ. How else could he have kept her by his side for so long, never questioning, yet seemingly happy? I knew her human past, not so different from my own, had to play a small role in it, but his hold over her after all these years still caused me to bristle.

As I sat and resigned to thinking of her yet again, I remembered my first decade after the change. The family was much smaller then, a stereotypical "family unit" with the two of them at the top, Edward and myself as their "children." Edward spent much of his time traveling, something I think I should have done more of. Perhaps things would have been easier that way. But would I have traded those early days away? Hardly.

I can still remember how she treated me then, before I learned to put up my walls and become indifferent to how my life—and then my death—was taken away from me. Her kind eyes and gentle smiles directed nearly exclusively to me, a delicate hand on my shoulder, or perhaps lower, the memory of which still sent a jolt of excitement to my core. Even years after reclaiming the firm exterior of a Hale a mere memory of her touch could affect me so deeply. No matter how many times I'd tried to shake it off, to build up my walls taller than the Empire State building, she slipped through cracks I never knew existed.

Growling quietly at my loss of composure, I rose from my perch and turned back to the forest. This wasn't how I wanted the night to go, and it wasn't even halfway over. I closed my eyes and scented the air, willing my instincts to overtake my thought. I caught wind of some elk and let my body do the rest.

* * *

The hunt effectively numbed me on the outside. It was painfully obvious how I couldn't escape her, couldn't escape the "family" we shared back in Washington anymore, even miles away. As if watching her live comfortably with Carlisle wasn't enough, I had a husband back home, and my idiot brother Edward was considering taking everything I'd ever wanted before my change away from a human girl who couldn't possibly understand the things she thought she felt for him. I focused on that to bring back my "ice queen" facade as I made my way back to the podunk town of Forks.

In a way, I was glad Edward was being an absolute moron. It gave me something new to focus on, a different emotion to fixate on so nobody knew the wiser. So nobody knew that the "impenetrable" Rosalie Lillian Hale was driving herself to madness.

The stench of the La Push mutts grew nearly unbearable, and I knew I was back in Forks. I slowed my pace to a jog as the trees thinned out around the house Carlisle chose for our "family." I could hear Edward playing the piano upstairs, and I instantly threw up my mental walls—some bullshit about a new outfit I saw, some admittedly cruel statements about his human's inability to understand anything at her age. Straightening my clothes and hair out, I walked up to the large glass doors out back.

The thing about being and living with a group of vampires is nobody ever sleeps. So anybody could be around, doing something or waiting for someone, at any time. I was hoping nobody was waiting for me, but my hopes were dashed as soon as I walked up the stairs and saw my bedroom door ajar. I nearly paused in confusion and mild anxiety, but the Rosalie this coven knows halts for nothing.

I gently pushed the door open, peering around it to meet whoever was in my room. I held my breath, refusing to scent the air—I had no real desire to know who was there. As the door swung open, I nearly cursed out loud as my eyes met amber pools of concern. Her name somersaulted out of my mouth, instead.

"Esme..."

**AN 2: Sort of a cliffie, I guess, ahha. This is the first time I've written from Rose's POV, so any critique on it is welcome! I'm sort of going for the whole "the ice queen exterior is just that—an exterior" deal, and I do want to get into some of the darker parts of Rosalie's past and personality at some point in this story. A bit of an unconventional pairing, but one of my favorites! Reviews help me improve, so please let me know how I'm doing :)**


	2. Sleepwalking

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, I'm just borrowing the characters and taking them on a magical journey.

**AN: I'm so sorry it's taken so long for me to update! Between figuring out some issues I've been having physically and preparing to move across the country, I don't have much time to sit down and write, much less plan out three very different stories ._. Updates to "Destroy This" and "Rebirth" should be coming out in the next week as well, since I have to take a trip to where I'm moving soon and won't have a computer there.**

**So here's the next chapter, I hope you're still with me, and I'm really surprised by how much response this fic has gotten since it's a significantly less popular pairing :) Thank you everyone so far who has reviewed, followed, and favorited! This one's a bit longer, so here we gooo~**

Chapter 2: Rosalie's POV

Her eyes bore into mine, pushing against my frozen exterior, the innocent concern of a "mother" trying to melt my defenses. Even though I knew it would be her waiting for me to return, as it had been many times before, I couldn't quite quash the surprise that always welled up inside of me when her eyes met mine.

"Rose," she replied, the nickname nearly wafting from her lips to my ears it was spoken so gently. I resisted the urge to close my eyes and bask in it—I knew better than to react like that in front of her. I thought to myself, _how fucked in the head do you have to be, Rosalie Hale, to feel your body surge at a mother's concern? __God, why does this always happen?_

"I'm here, Esme," I replied, trying to step around her to the window. Her hand caught my forearm as I walked by, barely there yet enough to stop me. I looked down at her, maintaining my hard exterior. Our eyes met again, and she slid her hand up to grip me around my elbow.

"You hardly ever are anymore," she countered. "And when you are, you spend all of your time in your room...I'm worried about you, Rose." I bit back the urge to scoff at her words. I wondered if her concern would change if she knew why I avoided her like the plague most days.

"I'm fine," I lied, my voice short with the strain of maintaining my icy exterior. I gazed out the window, trying to find anything to focus on other than her skin and her eyes.

"Avoiding your mother who waits to see you every day you're out late can hardly be considered fine, Rose," she implored, an undertone of hurt running behind her words. She continued, her voice barely a whisper. "Do you really hate being a part of this family this much? Do you really hate _me_ this much?"

I gasped at the pain that seized my heart at her words, my eyes locking back onto hers. "Esme, I-" I hesitated, the voice of the beast in the back of my head screaming _Tell her! __Tell her how she's Ours, how you're Hers!__ How could you do this to her! _But I couldn't. This family was torn up enough already, what with Edward's human pushing Jasper far beyond his limits, my relationship with Emmett filled with tension at every turn...she didn't need this kind of bomb dropped on her, not now. Possibly not ever.

"I just wish you'd tell me what's going on; you've been shut off from me for so long. What happened to the talks we used to have? _I love you,_ Rose."

I couldn't stop the grimace of pain from passing over my features at the cruel irony of those words—the words I'd kill to hear spill from her lips in anything other than a mother's love, making the beast inside of me both roar and scream with a twisted combination of momentary joy followed by agony as it understood how she meant it. My chest vibrated with the quietest of growls as confusion passed over Esme's face.

* * *

When I was first turned, I couldn't stand to be around Edward or Carlisle. It was impossible for me to trust men after what had happened. But Esme was there for me, as soft as always, guiding me and helping me learn what was good in the world. I could talk to her about anything, elated to spend any moment alone with her I could get.

As my newborn bloodlust faded, however, I became aware of another of my beast's desires—the desire to mate. I was alarmed to discover that urge was directed at Esme and Esme alone. Even moreso when I asked her about mating and she said Carlisle was hers. I didn't understand, and in my distraught state, I refused to live with them.

I lived apart from yet near to them for a few years, until I found Emmett. I believed that he could heal me, that my desire to save him must have meant _he_ was my mate, not Esme, and that I had confused my feelings of gratitude and adoration with those of love and lust in my newborn haze.

Emmett and I lived in our honeymoon phase for a long while—nearly a decade. I thought I was cured of my despair. I thought I had finally moved on from my newborn "crush." I was happy, finally.

The happiness didn't last, however. As the first decade of my marriage to Emmett came to a close, Carlisle was called to the Volturi. Aro demanded his expertise on something, and from the phone calls we received while he was away we discovered that Aro had forced him to abide by their dietary rules while he was there—he was a former member of their force, and was to be treated as such. The despair on Esme's face at the news, at how Carlisle was starving himself to avoid harming any innocents, tore through my heart. It created a fissure that burned and left me breathless every time I saw her grieving.

It was then that the beast reared its ugly head once again—_Go to your mate. Comfort her. You __**cannot**__ let her suffer!_

I told myself the beast was confused. That the fierce protectiveness brewing in my gut was because she was our mother. That her unconditional love could only be returned with unconditional love, and that the beast mistook this for the mating instinct. But from then on, the beast would not quiet, and my eyes would drift over her body without my permission.

_Mate,_ the beast taunted. _Take what is ours,_ it would demand of me. It would not listen to reason. It cared not that I knew she was Carlisle's. That she was our mother. That she was a woman, and I had never loved a woman as my instincts demanded I love her.

Eventually I acquiesced, the beast growing louder the longer I ignored it. I tried to bury my frustration and desire in Emmett, something he appreciated and never questioned. I felt sick to my stomach for years, knowing I was using him, but he was happy to simply be alive again—a sentiment I was growing to disagree with strongly. What good was a second chance if you still didn't have it with who you were made for? The weight of that question sank into my gut and resided there ever since. Everything became routine.

* * *

"Rosalie?"

Esme's quiet voice pulled me out of my memories, the weight of my feelings for her as heavy as they were when I first resigned to them. I sighed quietly.

"Where did you just go, honey?" She asked quietly, her thumb running over my arm as if to keep me in the present.

"Nowhere," I answered automatically, internally cringing at the hoarseness of my voice. I cleared my throat and spoke again, more confidently. "Nowhere, Esme. I was right here."

"Look at me, Rose," she demanded. I steeled my emotions and met her gaze. "Something's going on. I can see it. It reminds me of when you left us all those years ago..."

_It's exactly like then,_ I thought. _Can't you see, Esme? I can't stand it here. I can't stand watching you with him._ I wondered if the plea showed in my eyes.

"I don't know how to help you," she continued after evaluating the look in my eyes closely. "I want to, god do I want to, but how can I if you won't _talk to me?_" Her voice nearly broke on those words, and I felt like I was going to suffocate even though I didn't need to breathe. I could feel my love for her swelling in my chest and constricting my throat. I opened my mouth to speak, but my thoughts caught in my throat as if it were filled with water and I was going under. Her hand slid up my arm to cup my face gently as she stood, not even a foot away.

"Come back to me, Rose," she whispered. "I couldn't bear to lose you again." Her breath met my lips in a blanket of vanilla and honey. My heart seized in my chest as if it were trying to beat, painfully.

"I _can't_, Esme," I whispered, begging her to understand. Begging her to leave it at that.

"You can tell me anything. I'm right here for you, Rose, just as I've always been."

"This...this I just cannot tell you, Esme. _Please_," I tried again. She shook her head, her other hand coming to grasp my shoulder.

"No, Rosalie. I need you to tell me. I _need _to know why you're treating me like this...we were always the closest. And now you can barely stand to _look at me_."

I staved off a whimper at the painful squeezing in my chest. _She's right, _the beast whispered. _She deserves to know. You've treated her so poorly, our mate…_

"I don't know how," I whispered aloud, both to her and to the ever-insistent voice in the back of my head.

"Start at the beginning," she whispered in return. The beginning? God, no. She couldn't know how long this had been going on. I grasped at my thoughts, desperately searching for anything that would be close enough to satisfy her.

"Emmett and I..." I began uneasily, "...we aren't mates."

It hadn't come out exactly as I'd wanted it to, far too open ended and close to the truth for my own liking. Was this what nausea felt like? What the human girl said she felt when she thought about blood?

"Oh, Rosalie...what could ever make you say that?"

_Because I'm in love with you!_ I all but screamed in my head. "I..."

"Is it someone else? Did you meet someone at school?" She asked, not waiting for my reply.

"No!" I answered immediately, regretting how fast I'd blurted it out. "I mean, no...no, there is no _human_ who could ever make me feel what I feel for Emmett," I continued, trying to put on that veil of indifference I wore so often. It didn't work, however, as Esme's eyes bored into mine.

"Who is it?" Just like a mother, seeing right through me and skipping over the details to the question she wanted the answer to…

"There's nobody, Esme, alright?" _Please believe me, please…_

"Is it one of Bella's friends? What was his name? Mike?"

"Esme, listen to me, I don't like a stupid human!"

"Be nice, Rosalie, I'm sure he's not that bad..." _God, _she was so off the mark!

"There is. No. Boy!" I was growing flustered, and I couldn't tell if I wanted to scream the truth in her face because the idea of liking one of those human boys disgusted me or if I just wanted to run away.

Realization dawned over her face and I felt my stomach drop to my feet.

"It's Angela, isn't it?"

A downright embarrassing guffaw burst forth from my lips in a mixture of relief and confusion. Where in the world had she gotten _that_ idea?

"No? Jessica? Oh, who was that other girl..."

"No, Esme, no, no, no! I don't like any humans! God, why would I? You know how I feel about them, come on," I blurted out in my strange state of confusion and panic.

The look on her face was indescribable. _Way to go, Rosalie, you broke her_, I thought to myself coldly. God, I was such an idiot. I might as well have told her I had fallen for god damn _Edward_ with the way she was looking at me.

"_Alice?_" She asked, disbelief written all over her features. I felt the suffocating feeling rising up again. Too close, much too close to the truth. "No, that can't be right," she murmured, my panic rising to an all-time high, leaving me unable to formulate a complete thought, much less lead her off the trail. _Oh god, what am I going to do?_ I thought to myself desperately. _She's going to figure it out, she's going to **know**…_

Suddenly a thought came to me, one that made my stomach lurch in disgust but that I was prepared to utter in the event that it would save me from the truth. I opened my mouth to tell her quickly, when she gasped.

"Oh my god," she blurted, her hand darting from my chin to her lips. I nearly choked as the shock and hesitance grew on her features by the second.

"No, Esme, wait! I-"

"_You love me,_" she whispered. "_You're in love with me..."_

Oh, fuck.

Fuck.

**AN 2: Cliffie! Make sure you leave a review and let me know what you think~**


	3. See You On The Outside

Disclaimer: Twilight's still not mine, folks. Sorry :P

**AN: I'm still pretty blown away that there are so many of you who are enjoying this. Esmalie seems to get the least attention out of all of the Twilight Femslash couples. I love it. So sorry for the wait, and without further ado...**

She figured it out, just like that. Skipping completely over the boys, completely over Edward's _human_ who I was ready to throw myself under the bus about, and just...figured it out.

I shouldn't have expected any less, really. For me to have hidden it this long with her natural perception and mother's instincts was more than I should have hoped for. But that didn't make the fear bubbling in my stomach dissipate. I watched her eyes closely, frozen, waiting for a reaction other than shock. She seemed to be lost inside her head, her eyes focused on nothing, her hand hesitating over her mouth before she lowered it, leaning back from me. It was only ever so slightly, but the distance she put between us was enough to make my chest feel tight again.

I didn't know what to say. How could I explain to her these decades of longing? I was tired of holding it in, yes, but I wasn't sure how she'd handle the truth. Would she be hurt? Would she pity me? I couldn't stand the thought of either. _What have you done, Rosalie Hale?_

In my indecision, she seemed to have cleared her mind enough to respond. Our eyes met, and while hers were unreadable I was certain mine held more fear than I wanted to show. She confirmed this as her face softened and she spoke gently.

"Oh, Rosalie," she paused. "How long have you felt this way? Why didn't you _tell _me? I thought you knew that I meant it when you could come to me with anything. No matter the subject."

A sigh passed my lips as I turned away from her to gaze out the window again. _This is our chance!_ The beast seemed to scream. _She _asked_ us to tell her!_ But I knew it wasn't that simple. Her shock and hesitance had broken through my hard exterior, and I could tell she was putting on a warm front to keep the conversation from falling apart. My eyes flitted from tree to tree as if they could give me the answers I so desperately needed. My mind and my heart were at war—one which my head normally won, but the beast had other ideas now that the opportunity had presented itself.

I ran through my options in my head, rationalizing the facts and trying to regain some semblance of the shell I normally wrapped myself in. She had only whispered the truth, meaning others likely had not heard. They would only know something was wrong, and that I had been keeping it from her. If I could somehow get out of this, I could go on with dignity around the others. I'm sure _Edward_ would have a field day without any of the others knowing the wiser, and I certainly didn't need nor have the tolerance for anything else.

I drew in a deep, unnecessary breath to steady my voice as I paced closer to the windows. I could feel her eyes following me, though she made no move to follow.

"I don't think this is something we should be discussing here; not with this company." My voice was tight, and left no room for compromise. She shifted a bit on the bed, turning towards me as I saw in the reflection of the window.

"No, you're probably right," she replied softly. There was something in her voice which I couldn't discern, either pity or sadness—I loathed the thought of either. "Would you like to take a walk?" I shook my head slightly.

"I need some time, Esme," I replied distantly, my eyes focused on the forest before me. The air in the room was both empty and tense at the same time, urging me to leave. She nodded and rose from the bed, walking towards me with her arm raised as if she were going to touch my shoulder as she so frequently did. She hesitated halfway, however, and nodded again, as if to herself.

"Let me know," she trailed off before turning to leave.

The sound of the door shutting seemed to echo in my stomach, leaving it knotted, and that choking feeling swelled in my throat again. All at once I wanted to scream and disappear into silence. _I have to get out,_ I thought to myself. _I have to get out._

I ignored the small cries of concern as I stumbled through the doors into the back yard, Emmett following quickly as he insisted I stay.

"_Please_, Rose!" He cried out, jogging towards me, his eyes dark with concern. "Just _talk_ to me! Tell me what's _wrong_!" He was too close. Much too close. I had to get out, and I had to be alone.

"No, Emmett, I _can't!_ Please just let me go on a walk alone, I'll be home later on, I just need to _go_."

I had tried to explain that I'd be back soon, that I needed to go out for the night, but it ultimately backfired when he, too, confronted me about my avoidance. It was too much for one night. I couldn't even begin to imagine if he figured things out, too. But he was scared, feeling me pull away, and he wouldn't let me go no matter how much I said I'd return.

I saw my "siblings" lined up behind him, out of the corner of my eye. I didn't dare make eye contact with any of them—they all could see what was happening. Edward could hear the conflict in my head clear as day with my hard exterior gone. Alice had seen my decision, of course. And Jasper could feel my distance from Emmett growing. Carlisle stood a bit behind them, looking on in concern, and Esme was by his side, albeit awkwardly. I could nearly feel the concern rolling off of her, as if I had borrowed Jasper's gift for a moment.

"I don't understand, Rose! I thought we were _mates_! I thought we could tell each other everything..."

I shook my head at him, nearly unable to speak. My vision burned with venomous tears that would never fall.

"Emmett, _please_," I begged, feeling the last of my strength cracking. I turned to leave, bolting towards the trees. I couldn't break down; not here, not now.

It was then that he made possibly the single dumbest move in his existence.

I absolutely lost it. He grabbed me by the arm and tried to stop me, pulling me back towards the house. I rounded on him, eyes pitch and teeth bared. The rumbling in my chest cut short and Emmett froze, however, when a noise of sheer protective rage split across the yard, stunning everyone into silence.

"_Emmett McCarty Cullen, you unhand her __**right. Now.**_"

**AN: And this is where I need your help, dear readers. I'm having some trouble deciding whether I want this to be a slow burn or if something in Esme should snap and bring things to the surface quickly. I originally planned for this fic to be about 10 chapters, but if it's a slow burn I'm going to give it however long it needs. Let me know in the reviews what you think, and thank you so so much for all the feedback so far. It means a lot to know someone out there's listening.**


	4. Seven Thousand Miles For What

Disclaimer: Twilight still isn't mine. It's a shame, really. I'd love to be rich and/or have hot vampire friends.

**AN: Well look what we have here, another chapter! I'm consistently blown away by you guys, it seems the fans of Rosalie/Esme are more vocal than Alice/Bella. Thank you so so much for your input and continued reviews :) Some of you brought up some really important points that should explain themselves as the chapters unfold, so sit tight and enjoy the ride! And for those of you who were worrying, I do have a plan for Carlisle. There will be no Carlisle-bashing in this fic, though his gift might make it seem like I am at times. The wait between chapters should be much shorter now that my life is settling down, so here we go!**

The way Esme's voice carried across the yard with such ferocity froze everyone. You could almost hear their eyes snapping to hers, witnessing a look that made my chest clench with both fear and want. There was something primal in her eyes that set off my instincts like a wildfire sparking in a drought. Emmett, in his shock, had dropped his hold on me and I realized that in that moment, even more than before, I had to move. I couldn't let anyone see how this side of Esme affected me. I knew, in our brief moment of eye contact, that she had seen my eyes darken. I didn't take the time to see if anyone else had noticed as I turned on my heels and ran as fast as my legs would carry me away from the house.

I blocked out the way they all called after me, cringing at the hurt I could hear in her voice. _Run_, I told myself. _Run as fast and as far as you can. _The trees molded into a blur of green and grey as I ran faster than I had ever pushed myself to go. I could hear the uproar fading fast in the distance. I tried my best not to parse out the individual voices, to leave them as a blur, but with my senses I couldn't help but hear Alice's scalding tone and Emmett's child-like protest, Edward's silence and Jasper's concern. Esme's hurt and anger cut right through the air, so clear I could almost make out her words even as the miles between us grew.

I couldn't allow myself to hope her hurt was from my departure, as much as it made my heartstrings pull. She was the matriarch of our little "family," and it was currently in an uproar. The pain and confusion of her "children," what she had just found out about my feelings, everything going on around her had to be contributing factors to what I could only imagine was an overwhelming night. But I couldn't let myself think her distress was in response my departure in particular. I'd left before; she was perfectly happy to carry on as normal and just wait for me to return.

Part of me imagined she would feel some relief from my departure. I couldn't help the self-loathing seeping into my bones. All these years of a cold, hard exterior, only to tear apart everyone she worked to protect. What sort of self-righteous person would do such a thing? _That's right,_ I thought to myself. _You would, Rosalie. Too caught up in your own head to even consider the world around you. _And while I hated these thoughts, I knew they were true. The moniker of the "Ice Queen" had not been lost on me, and I recognized, perhaps even more so as I left my friends behind, that the facade I had built up for decades had indeed become a part of me.

For what seemed like hours the trees blurred by without my noticing as I trusted my senses to guide me while I focused on quelling the thoughts swarming my mind. By the time I slowed and looked around, it was apparent I was headed straight through British Columbia. I slowed my pace as the sounds of civilization lurked around the edges of my senses. Taking a brief survey of my surroundings, I found a small clearing and decided to stop.

I sat, leaning against the trunk of the fallen tree that seemed to create the clearing. Staring out into the forest, my vision burned with venom tears. The weight of the feelings I carried bore down on my chest, and I let myself feel them fully. The fissure that seemed to split into my chest forced my eyes shut once I let my guard down, the feeling so powerful that I couldn't help the pained snarl that bubbled forth from my lungs. My hands shook as I tried to put them in my pockets.

The beast reared its ugly head in the silence, filling my mind with doubts and demands. _She protected you_, it whispered. _She stood against your husband for your freedom. You heard the pain in her voice; you saw the look in her eyes. She knows, and she belongs in your presence. Not back there alone._ I ignored it. It was wrong. It didn't understand the complicated dynamics of the situation, and it certainly didn't understand that she was married. Of course she was hurt, I was her first "daughter." But I was sure that was all. The beast, of course, had other ideas. _What are you doin__g?_ It asked. _Run back to her. __Your mate. __She'll be there, waiting for you, as she always has been. Didn't you ever wonder why she'd wait?_

I shook my head, unwilling to listen to the nonsensical rambling. The beast only knew two things: to mate and to kill. I wasn't foolish; I knew better than to blindly follow its attempts at reasoning. Soon, though, the words in my head were silenced by rapidly approaching footfalls.

Much too fast to be any woodland creature, I concentrated on the pattern and scented the air. They were quick, covering the ground with ease and leaping from root to root gracefully, leaving very little impact on the ground. As they grew closer, I picked out a scent of fresh mint and berries. Alice.

Both relief and a new wave of nerves filled me at the realization of my visitor. I should have known I would be followed after leaving like I did, and that only one person would dare to do so. But what had she seen? What had been said after my departure? How many of my decisions would she respect? But while these questions swam in my head, I knew that she, of all of them, would be the most understanding. She and I had formed a relationship over the years akin to what Esme and I tried to build in the beginning—she became my best friend and confidant, though I had managed to dodge her visions enough to hide how deep my feelings for Esme truly ran.

As she blurred into sight, our eyes met. I felt no hostility and saw only a cautious openness. She slowed, and I dipped my chin to indicate that she could come closer. She danced up to me with her little Alice steps and settled in the moss beside me, still looking at me calmly.

"Hey," she offered gently.

"Hi, Alice," I responded. It was quiet for a minute as she looked out into the forest.

"When you told me you were thinking of Esme a little too much, I had no idea it would come to this," she began, her voice light and in the distance like her gaze. "I understand, you know. I get that you couldn't really talk to me about it. We never had much time to speak, but from what I've seen today I think I know why you kept things quiet." I couldn't help but feel a pang of guilt at her words. I wanted to interrupt, to defend my actions like the Rosalie _they_ knew would, but I didn't say a word. "The things that happened tonight, the things you've decided, have set things in motion that I still can't quite make sense of. There are a lot of things that could happen that worry me, but there's also a lot of good that could come from this." She paused, and the words settled in my gut like anchors. "A lot of it depends on how Esme reacts. And that's why I'm here." Alice's eyes met mine again. Before she could speak I saw her imploring look and shook my head.

"No, Alice," I interrupted quietly. "You cannot ask me to go back right now." She sighed.

"You _need_ to, Rose. The whole way here I could see you switching back and forth in your mind. I had a hard time tracking you because of it. But you _have_ to go back. I can see in your eyes that you don't believe it to be true, but Esme really is worried about you and wants you there with us. At home. I've seen what would happen if you packed up and left, Rose, and it's not pretty." She sighed, turning to look out into the forest again. I didn't want to believe her words were true, but I knew better than to bet against Alice. Even though she was eccentric and liked things to go 'according to plan,' she was only ever honest. Especially where one of us was concerned. She began to speak again, quieter this time. "There's a sadness inside of her, Rose. I don't know how long it's been there, but you leaving all the time has brought it to the surface. With you leaving Emmett, she's so worried for you. I know it's hard for you to be around her with how you feel, but if you want what's best for her, you'll come home."

I took a deep breath, tasting the air in my lungs. The earthy scents seemed to calm me somewhat. Of course I wanted what was best for Esme. Of course I wanted to ease her pain. But I also had to consider the cost of doing so, the toll it would take on my own emotions. If I went back, there was no way I could return to how I was before. Now that everyone knew Emmett and I weren't mates, and now that she knew how I felt about her, my facade would be seen through like glass.

The depth of my feelings for Esme was something even I wasn't fully prepared to experience, and I knew that as I came to terms with things I would be exploring and experiencing them more. Decade after decade I suppressed and denied, but my time for that was running out. The beast was finally driving me mad, alienating me from myself and in turn from my family. It had to stop.

I couldn't stand the thought of Emmett being around that. He really was my best friend and lover. He was immature on the outside, and a very passionate lover, but underneath all of that he was wise. It would be naive of me to assume he hadn't known a bit of what was happening before. The loss was still hitting him hard, though, and I didn't want him to have to watch me struggle with feelings for another. He didn't deserve that. More than anyone I knew, Emmett deserved happiness. His selfless care and his resilience were the traits that caused me to truly love him despite my pull to Esme. I really hoped he would be able to move forward and find his mate.

Alice, of course, saw what I was going to ask before I could open my mouth. She shook her head as I opened my mouth.

"He's packing up for a trip to Denali. That's another reason you need to go back, though I can see your decision solidifying as we speak. Esme would be absolutely _crushed_ if she lost the both of you. Everything you've said and done aside, you're still her first daughter, Rose. That isn't a loss she should have to bear." After staring out into the forest a moment longer, she stood. Our eyes met, and she nodded with a sort of certainty in her eyes that reflected the hesitant confirmation of my decision in my mind. "Things will be okay, Rose," she murmured. She stretched her little arms out and I rose to wrap mine around her.

"I trust you, Alice. I trust that you know what you're seeing, and that you can see what I'll need."

"I may have missed a few things over the past months with Bella taking up so much of my time and my mind, but I've always kept an eye out for you. Esme wasn't the only one waiting for you to come back, you know." I nodded.

"I know, and I know I should have been around more. I just...couldn't." The words were hard to say. I should have been much more present, but the suffocating feeling still rose within me and threatened to drown me every day. She stepped back, smiling at me slightly.

"You did what you had to, Rose. But now you have to do what Esme needs you to do."

I swallowed hard at the thought of returning to the chaos. I wished that the house would be empty when we got back, though I knew better than to be so optimistic.

"I know." The words left my lips somberly as I dipped my head once in agreement. I considered asking her who would be there when we got back. Shaking my head, I began to walk past her in the direction I'd come from. As I heard her gentle footsteps behind me, I picked up the pace, the trees blurring into a mass of green and grey once again.

**AN: Whoo, that chapter was a little more dense than the others. I'm torn between wanting to write these 2,000-ish word updates so I don't keep you guys waiting, but I also want to reward you guys with more content because you definitely deserve it with all of these reviews haha. I need more hours in the day! Let me know, though, if you'd be willing to wait a little longer for longer chapters, because I'm totally ready to do that. If we stick to 2,000 word updates, I'll be able to post once or twice a week. If we bump it up a bit, it might take a week to two weeks for me to update, but that depends on my schedule (it could be even faster than that, especially now that things have calmed down a bit in terms of work). As always, reviews are appreciated, and I will reply to any ideas you guys bring up!**

**...also, if anyone cares, I'm making a playlist to go with this fic because I'm weird like that. I'll be changing the chapter names to reflect the corresponding songs on the playlist, too. The first track on the playlist is Drown, just like the title of the fic, because that's the song that inspired this madness, and I feel that it will remain relevant throughout the entire plot. I'll be adding songs as the story progresses, so if any of you are interested in listening (or seeing what the lyrics are if some of the songs aren't your cup of tea), just shoot me a PM. There will be songs from a variety of genres, though the first few chapters are pretty tense so the songs reflect that. I'm building the playlist on Spotify, so you can listen to it right in your browser once I send you the link. Don't worry, this isn't going to turn into a songfic, I just like the idea of having songs that reflect the mood of each chapter :)**


	5. Buried In These Walls

Disclaimer: Twilight babes still aren't mine, sorry...

**AN: Hoo boy, it's been a while. My life sort of fell apart and I won't bore you with the details, but I think writing more is going to be good for me. And hopefully good for you guys. So, here's a long-overdue, yet tastefully short update. It's a bit heavy to make longer, but I'm working on the next one now. Enjoy~**

It was quiet when we arrived in the back yard. I scented the air and listened closely to see who was home, but all I could sense were Esme and Edward's scents. Edward was in his studio, Esme was downstairs somewhere. I imagined she was waiting for our return because of Emmett's departure and Carlisle and Jasper's absence. As we approached the house, I could make out the slow notes of Edward's piano drifting down the stairs and off the balcony. Alice touched my arm gently.

"I'll be upstairs if you need me," she murmured before climbing the stairs to her room. I crossed the threshold to the living room hesitantly, my eyes fixed on the back of Esme's head where she sat on the couch. I knew she could hear me despite my light footfalls, though she made no move to indicate she had heard me enter.

I stalled there for a moment, wondering if she'd want to see me after what had happened. She had clearly sent the others away for the time being. I couldn't blame her if she wanted to be alone, and I certainly couldn't blame her if she had had enough of me for the night.

"Come sit down, Rose," her voice called softly from the other side of the room. I followed the quiet command and slowly made my way to a chair across from her. She looked at me with dark, despondent eyes that made my heart clench in my still chest. "Do you even know how much I care for you?" She all but whispered.

"Of course I do, we're your children," I answered softly. She shook her head.

"No, Rose, you in particular...we've always had this connection, even if you've become distant over the years. We were always close from the start of your new life." I nodded, suppressing the beast's urge to tell her _It's because we are mates!_ I pursed my lips and crossed my legs to better hide my emotions.

"You brought me safety," I offered quietly. She nodded.

"Yes, and I'd like to do so again. I can't really imagine what it's been like for you, but I want you to know that my being here hasn't changed. I don't really know how to help you with...what you're going through right now, but I don't want you to feel like you can't come to me." She leaned forward, looking deeper into my eyes. "You're my baby, and I want to spend time with you," she finished quietly. My chest tightened at her words and I couldn't help the pain from leaking into my eyes. With my lips pressed tightly together I nodded and looked away, not trusting my voice.

When I dared to make eye contact with her again, what I saw solidified my decision to stay around despite what I would have to bear. The deep care and concern in her eyes shook me for a moment. I felt myself get a bit lost in her gaze, mesmerized by the way her eyes had darkened at my pain. I could see then what Alice had mentioned earlier. A small sphere of sadness hid in the depths of those pools, something hidden and quiet even though it persisted. I longed to take that pain away from her, but I knew all I could do was take the time to reconnect with her. No matter how painful that would be for me.

I nodded again, rising from my seat at a human pace. Esme rose as well and walked towards me hesitantly. I stalled in response, not yet moving to the staircase. She lifted her arms as she approached and pulled me into an embrace, her hand guiding my head to her shoulder. My arms wrapped around her of their own accord, resting on her back. Her nose pressed into my hair as she inhaled slowly. One of her hands rubbed my back, seeking to soothe me as she did many years ago. My jaw clenched so tight I feared my teeth would crack with the effort to hold back the instinctual purring that bubbled in my chest. Being so close to her for the first time in decades, I was hyper-focused on every small movement she made and every breath she took. I had to lock much of my body in place to resist my desire to curl into her even more. She felt my muscles tense and pulled back, her eyes harboring that small sadness even closer to the surface. I murmured a small apology, turned away, and made my way up the stairs.

Alice's door was open when I reached the top of the staircase, and so I entered. Turning from where she was looking out the window, she smiled at me and pranced over to sit on the bed. She patted the spot next to her, her eyes sporting that far-off look she got whenever she had been combing through the future.

"I take it you overheard," I mused quietly. She nodded and turned to me.

"Yes. I've been doing some searching for you," she began, referring to her recent focus on the future. "There's a lot up in the air right now, and I'm sure you already know this, but this isn't going to be easy for you, Rose." She paused, her throat tightening and her brow furrowing. "It's not going to be easy for anybody."

The look in her eyes worried me. She had seen something that was causing her pain. I bit back a sigh. Never did I want this to interfere with the family, especially not to any magnitude. It was tempting to flee, or at least to suppress it again. Maybe even join Emmett in Denali. But I knew better. Between what Alice had told me in the forest and what I had seen in Esme's eyes, I knew better.

"What is it that you saw, Alice?" I whispered, studying the grain in the hardwood floors. She fidgeted with her feet, shifting her weight around.

"I can't really make sense of it yet," she murmured.

"I don't like seeing you hurt, you know." I hoped my imploring tone conveyed my unspoken demand to know. She sighed, and leaned closer, her voice so hushed nobody outside the room could hear it.

"Someone else will be leaving, and it's not going to be you."

The words sat heavy in my ears, sinking down to my gut. The common urge to run grew stronger, but I planted my feet as if to say no to myself. I had made my decision, and I was going to stick to it. But Alice's words rang in my head. Despite the disdain I felt for our coven's idealization of the "family unit," I had a hard time coming to terms with the fact that it was splintering because of my issues. Something I'd thought was between me, myself, and I (and occasionally Edward via mental eavesdropping) was uprooting all of us to some degree.

**AN: So. This chapter slows things down a bit for Rose, which is reflected by the song I chose for the playlist. Remember to let me know if you want to take a listen, just shoot me a PM or whatever ahha. I find it enjoyable to listen to the relevant song when I'm editing each chapter. Love you guys. See you soon.**


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